Hello, you! Welcome to my first blog post, making friends with fear to step into the spotlight. Come on in, sit down, relax, and humour me for a minute (or maybe 15). Feel free to grab a metaphorical—or literal—cup of tea while you’re here.

Disclaimer: If you’re not a tea drinker, no worries it’s not a pre-requisite. Please, drink whatever you like, or nothing at all. Comfort is key in my world and the irony of this statement will become apparent, as you read on, particularly if you’re someone who’s quiet, shy, or tends to feel things deeply.

Who am I?

I am Charlotte, a self-confessed quiet, shy, and sensitive soul; former nurse turned health and life coach and today, I’m taking a bit of a leap. A step which may seem easy to some, but for me, is anything but. “What is this step?” you’re probably wondering. Well, I’m glad you asked, because this is it! My first ever blog post. Actually, to be completely honest, this is my first ever online post (though I may have posted on MySpace back in the day, but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count anymore). Hopefully, someone in their mid-30s reading this still remembers MySpace. But before I embarrass myself any further, we’ll move on.

So, why have I decided to step into the spotlight?

Well, because putting myself out there like this is something I’ve always avoided. I’ve developed somewhat of a social media phobia, spending a number of years staying in the background, quietly observing and sharing my inner thoughts with a select few (apologies to them, they’ll be relieved to see me branching out). Honestly, I felt happy there. It felt safe and comfortable, because the idea of writing something and letting it exist out in the world, where anyone can see it, is my idea of a panic attack in a paragraph!

And, why choose now to make friends with fear? 

Why, after all this time, am I finally taking this step? The simple answer is—it’s time. Not in the “I feel completely confident and fearless” kind of way, because trust me, I really don’t. I rarely do! But I’m (sort of) ready to face this thing that trips us all up at various points in life: fear! Just thinking about it sends my heart racing, a shiver down my spine and an overwhelming urge to throw on my running shoes. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that we often grow in the moments that make us feel the most uncomfortable. And trust me, right now I’m anything but comfortable!

However, ever the optimist and with a strong determination to finally put my English A-level to good use, I’ve decided to put pen to paper (well, technically, fingers to the keyboard) to share my thoughts. Because I know I’m not alone in this, as there are many quiet, shy, and sensitive souls out there, living in the same chaotic world as me, managing their fears in the best way they can. And I’m sure there are plenty of people who may not share the same temperament but struggle just the same. 

Finding Your Quiet Spotlight

We all have our own version of a spotlight. Yours may be different from mine. It’s not always about standing centre stage or writing your first blog post.

For some, it’s speaking up in a meeting when they’d rather stay quiet or asking for a much-deserved pay rise. Maybe it’s starting a business, setting boundaries, or even just letting yourself take credit for your own achievements. Maybe it’s opening up to the people you love, or the reverse, having those challenging conversations with people you’re not too fond of. Whatever your spotlight looks like, no matter how big or small, the fear it stirs up is something we all share. That butterflies-in-the-stomach, heart-fluttering panic? That’s universal.

Which got me thinking

Why is standing in our own spotlight so damn hard? And why does it feel like we have to change ourselves to feel capable of doing it?

Because, I’ll be honest, the idea of stepping into my spotlight triggers that inner critic who sits loudly and proudly in my brain. It’s springing into action right now, like it’s been waiting its whole life for this moment. It has this great way of being so demanding and direct when it tells me, “You can’t possibly think that you can just be you — quiet, thoughtful, and a little bit different.” No! “You need to be loud, extroverted, bolder, and more out there,” whatever that actually means!

And truth be told, I allowed those thoughts to take over, often agreeing with them and holding myself back in the process. I suspect you may have done—or are doing—the same thing. That’s okay, because I’m here to reassure you: we’re in this together. It’s easy to get caught up in what we think we should be when in reality, stepping into our own light, authentically and in a way that feels right, takes far more inner courage than most people realise. So, let’s be a little egotistical here, because we deserve to be, and accept that it’s okay to be exactly who we are and embrace our own kind of boldness!

Now, hold on I hear you saying..

“Charlotte, this is a lovely sentiment, but how do we actually do this?”. Good question! I’ve been asking myself the same thing for years. I don’t have all the answers, but one thing I do know is that when we shift the spotlight away from ourselves (our flaws, doubts, and insecurities) and onto fear itself, we gain some much-needed separation. With distance, we can see fear for what it truly is: an emotion, rather than a barrier. So, it no longer feels like something we have to avoid, but something we can observe, understand and—dare I say it – (let’s take a breath) allow. As strange as it may seem, we can learn to make friends with our fear. Well, maybe not best friends, more like an acquaintance we lovingly tolerate.

When fear is our friend, it ceases to be our enemy, which gives us the space and control to act alongside it, rather than fight against it.

But how do we make friends with fear?

Well, to me, it’s a lot like how we approach relationships with people. Healthy friendships are built on connection and understanding—knowing how we feel around each other, what we bring to each other’s lives, and how we respond to each other’s feelings, emotions, and experiences. Creating a connection with our fear works in much the same way: by uncovering what triggers it, recognising how it feels both physically and emotionally, and knowing what helps us when fear inevitably strikes. Once we truly acknowledge what fear is to us, knowing how to approach and tolerate it becomes a little easier.

So, what is fear?

Well, without getting too technical (ish), it’s what’s kept the human species alive for a very long time. It made sure we were always on the lookout for anything that might kill us — which was pretty handy (and still is). In simple terms, fear is created by a rather old, inbuilt alarm system that kicks in whenever we sense danger.

In the medical world, we call this the autonomic nervous system (because of course, we had to give it a complicated name). Its job is to quietly take care of things like heart rate, digestion, and — yes, you guessed it — our response to threats.

This system actually has three branches: the sympathetic, the parasympathetic, and the lesser-known (at least to me) enteric branch. I’ll admit, even with my nursing background, that last one was news to me. In my defence, biology was never really my strong suit and yes, I do see the irony. But hey, it’s okay to admit we’re not perfect and nor should we strive to be.

However, I also feel it’s worth adding that the enteric system doesn’t always make it into the conversation, mostly because it’s a bit of a specialist. While it’s technically part of the autonomic family, it’s also something of an independent soul, mainly focused on digestion, so it often gets left out of the fight-or-flight narrative. And as someone who knows what it’s like to be left out, I think it’s only fair the enteric system gets its own little moment in the spotlight.

So, let’s break them down by way of the good, the bad, and the slightly ugly:

Well, it reminds me of an old flat I lived in, where the smoke alarm was so sensitive it would go off at the faintest sign of anything in the frying pan. The problem? As useful as this system is, much like my overactive smoke alarm, it hasn’t quite evolved to tell the difference between a real threat (the bear) and a false one (the email notification). Thankfully, with the smoke detector, I could just press the reset button. Sadly, it’s not always that simple for us.

When we sense danger, the system activates, and we feel its effects in our bodies and minds. This isn’t just ‘all in our heads,’ nor is it something we need to ‘fix’ because emotions are inevitable, and in some scenarios, fear is a literal lifesaver. However, the key is in the distinction: is our fear saving us, or is it restricting us? If it’s the former, follow your instinct (safety first). But if it’s the latter, it’s best to take a step back, take a breath, and be a little honest with how we feel.

Learning to Ride with Fear (Not Against It)

If we want to understand fear and approach it in a healthier way, it takes some time and practice. Sadly, making friends with fear doesn’t happen overnight — it’s a process, much like learning to ride a bike. At first, you’ve got the stabilisers and the reassuring hand of an adult, you’re clinging on for dear life, convinced that the moment they let go, you’re screwed. But after a few wobbles (and maybe a fall or three), you start to find your balance. You learn to work with the fear and before you know it, you’re pedalling away because, as they say, it really does become ‘just like riding a bike’… eventually.

Confronting our fear takes a little self-awareness and willingness to understand what’s really going on inside our minds and bodies. And trust me, I’m right here with you, figuring this all out as we go. Fake it till you make it, right? It’s always reassuring to know you’re not alone and in the next few posts, I’ll dive into the difference between fear and anxiety, how fear shows up in our minds and bodies, how we can work with those feelings, and some of the deeper reasons behind the fears we carry. 

Because damn it, if fear is going to be a lifelong friend, we might as well learn to live with it on our own terms!

Now, let’s wrap this up:

Because let’s be honest, I do love to ramble on! I mentioned at the start that writing this blog is my version of stepping into the spotlight and I’m feeling the fear. Now, here’s my question to you:

What’s your spotlight? What’s that one thing that stirs up fear in you?

Something for you to think about before we meet again in blog number two: ‘Same Dread, Different Thread’.

See you soon!

Charlotte