Hello Fear! Can We Be Friends?
Hello, you! Welcome to my first blog post, one that calmly explores the fear of being seen and, more broadly, how we can begin to make friends with our fears when we step into the spotlight.
Come on in, sit down, relax, and humour me for a minute (or maybe 15). Feel free to grab a metaphorical, or literal, cup of tea while you’re here.
But before we begin, here’s a small summary for those who like to know what’s ahead before they commit:
Now, if you’d rather jump straight into the good bits, I’ve linked to the informational section here (🌿→ Facing Fear in Daily Life)
But, if you’d like to get to know me a little better and to see why I’m very much standing in my own spotlight at this moment, then please scroll on 😊
🌿→ Click here to see the contents of this post:
Contents:
I’ve linked to all the sections below in case you want to read ahead or need a specific section:
👋 Why I’m Writing This (My Spotlight Moment)
🔦 Why Stepping Into the Spotlight Triggers Fear
🤝 How Do We Make Friends With Fear
🧬 What Fear Actually Is (The Nervous System Bit):
🌃 The Problem With Fear in Modern Life
❔FAQ
Who Am I?
I am Charlotte, a self-confessed quiet, shy, and sensitive soul; former nurse turned health and life coach and today, I’m taking a bit of a leap. A step which may seem easy to some, but for me, is anything but. “What is this step?” you’re probably wondering.
Well, I’m glad you asked, because this is it! My first ever blog post. Actually, to be completely honest, this is my first ever online post (though I may have posted on MySpace back in the day, but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count anymore). Hopefully, someone in their mid-30s reading this still remembers MySpace. But before I embarrass myself any further, we’ll move on.
Why I Decided to Step Into the Spotlight (and Face Fear)
Well, because putting myself out there like this is something I’ve always avoided. I’ve developed somewhat of a social media phobia, spending a number of years staying in the background, quietly observing and sharing my inner thoughts with a select few (apologies to them, they’ll be relieved to see me branching out).
Honestly, I felt happy there. It felt safe and comfortable, because the idea of writing something and letting it exist out in the world, where anyone can see it, is my idea of a panic attack in a paragraph!
So, Why Choose Now to Make Friends With Fear?
Why, after all this time, am I finally taking this step? The simple answer is, it’s time. Not in the “I feel completely confident and fearless” kind of way, because trust me, I really don’t. I rarely do! But I’m (sort of) ready to face this thing that trips us all up at various points in life: fear!
Just thinking about it sends my heart racing, a shiver down my spine and an overwhelming urge to throw on my running shoes. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that we often grow in the moments that make us feel the most uncomfortable and trust me, right now I’m anything but comfortable!
However, ever the optimist and with a strong determination to finally put my English A-level to good use, I’ve decided to put pen to paper (well, technically, fingers to the keyboard) to share my thoughts.
Because I know I’m not alone in this, as there are many quiet, shy, and sensitive souls out there, living in the same chaotic world as me, managing their fears in the best way they can. I’m sure there are plenty of people who may not share the same temperament but struggle just the same.
Finding Your Quiet Spotlight: Facing Fear in Daily Life
We all have our own version of a spotlight. Yours may be different from mine, because it’s not always about standing centre stage or writing your first blog post.
For some, it’s speaking up in a meeting when they’d rather stay quiet or asking for a much-deserved pay rise. Maybe it’s starting a business, setting boundaries, or even just letting yourself take credit for your own achievements.
Maybe it’s opening up to the people you love, or the reverse, having those challenging conversations with people you’re not too fond of.
Whatever your spotlight looks like, no matter how big or small, the fear it stirs up is something we all share. That butterflies-in-the-stomach, heart-fluttering panic?
That’s universal.
Why Stepping Into the Spotlight Triggers Fear
Which got me thinking….
Why is standing in our own spotlight so damn hard?
And why does it feel like we have to change ourselves to feel capable of doing it?
Because, I’ll be honest, the idea of stepping into my spotlight triggers that inner critic who sits loudly and proudly in my brain. It’s springing into action right now, like it’s been waiting its whole life for this moment. It has this great way of being so demanding and direct when it tells me:
“You can’t possibly think that you can just be you, quiet, thoughtful, and a little bit different.”
“Yeah No! You need to be loud, extroverted, bolder, and more out there,”
Whatever that actually means!
And truth be told, I allowed those thoughts to take over, often agreeing with them and holding myself back in the process. I suspect you may have done, or are doing, the same thing. That’s okay, because I’m here to reassure you: we’re in this together.
It’s easy to get caught up in what we think we should be when in reality, stepping into our own light, authentically and in a way that feels right, takes far more inner courage than most people realise.
So, let’s be a little egotistical here, because we deserve to be, and accept that it’s okay to be exactly who we are and embrace our own kind of boldness!
How Do We Actually Make Friends With Fear?
Now, Hold on I hear you saying:
“Charlotte, this is a lovely sentiment, but how do we actually do this?”
Good question! I’ve been asking myself the same thing for years. I don’t have all the answers, but one thing I do know is that when we shift the spotlight away from ourselves (our flaws, doubts, and insecurities) and onto fear itself, we gain some much-needed separation.
With distance, we can see fear for what it truly is: an emotion, rather than a barrier.
So, it no longer feels like something we have to avoid, but something we can observe, understand and dare I say it, (take a breath) allow. As strange as it may seem, we can learn to make friends with our fear.
Well, maybe not best friends, more like an acquaintance we lovingly tolerate.
When fear is our friend, it ceases to be our enemy, which gives us the space and control to act alongside it, rather than fight against it.
But How Do We Make Friends With Fear?
Well, to me, it’s a lot like how we approach relationships with people.
Healthy friendships are built on connection and understanding, knowing how we feel around each other, what we bring to each other’s lives, and how we respond to each other’s feelings, emotions, and experiences.
Creating a connection with our fear works in much the same way: by uncovering what triggers it, recognising how it feels both physically and emotionally, and knowing what helps us when fear inevitably strikes.
Once we truly acknowledge what fear is to us, knowing how to approach and tolerate it becomes a little easier.
So, What Is Fear? Understanding the Nervous System
Well, without getting too technical (ish), it’s what’s kept the human species alive for a very long time.
It made sure we were always on the lookout for anything that might kill us, which was pretty handy (and still is). In simple terms, fear is created by a rather old, inbuilt alarm system that kicks in whenever we sense danger.
In the medical world, we call this the autonomic nervous system (because of course, we had to give it a complicated name). Its job is to quietly take care of things like heart rate, digestion, and yes, you guessed it, our response to threats.
This system actually has three branches: the sympathetic, the parasympathetic, and the lesser-known (at least to me) enteric branch. I’ll admit, even with my nursing background, that last one was news to me. In my defence, biology was never really my strong suit and yes, I do see the irony. But hey, it’s okay to admit we’re not perfect and nor should we strive to be.
However, I also feel it’s worth adding that the enteric system doesn’t always make it into the conversation, mostly because it’s a bit of a specialist. While it’s technically part of the autonomic family, it’s also something of an independent soul, mainly focused on digestion, so it often gets left out of the fight-or-flight narrative.
And as someone who knows what it’s like to be left out, I think it’s only fair the enteric system gets its own little moment in the spotlight.
So, let’s break them down by way of the good, the bad, and the slightly ugly.
The Good: Parasympathetic
Its motto? Rest, digest, and recover, my kind of system!
This is the state where we can fully relax, unwind, and trust that everything’s ticking along just as it should. It allows us to sit back, sip a cup of tea, and binge-watch some Netflix (other streaming platforms are available).
It’s also the system that kicks into gear once the fight-or-flight moment has passed, helping us come down from the adrenaline high, restoring some balance, back into ‘chill mode’.
The Bad: Sympathetic (aka the Fight, Flight or Freeze Response)
Its motto? Ready, set, go! (or alternatively, freeze).
The irony of it being called ‘sympathetic’ isn’t lost on me, it’s not exactly the comforting, hand-holding type. Instead of calmly checking the situation, it hits the panic button the moment anything feels off.
Though, to be fair, it does make us feel nervous, so it’s accurate there.
When this system kicks in, you definitely know about it. We’re talking sick stomach, sweaty palms, pounding heart, and that overwhelming urge to run away. Super helpful if you’re being chased by a bear, slightly less so when it’s just an email notification.
The Slightly Ugly (in an Endearing Way): Enteric
Its motto? Think, feel, release.
This one’s your gut’s personal nervous system and it’s deeply connected to everything from digestion to emotion.
It’s the reason your stomach is a little all over the place before that job interview, or why stress sometimes leaves you unsure if you need the loo.
We won’t go into too much detail here (I’ll leave that treat for another post), but it’s worth noting that this branch follows the lead of the sympathetic system when fear is involved and it’ll be popping back up when we talk more about the physical effects of fear in a few posts time.
The Challenge With Fear in Modern Life
So, what’s the problem with this fight-or-flight response in the modern day?
Well, it reminds me of an old flat I lived in, where the smoke alarm was so sensitive it would go off at the faintest sign of anything in the frying pan.
The problem, as useful as this system is, much like my overactive smoke alarm, it hasn’t quite evolved to tell the difference between a real threat (the bear) and a false one (the email notification). Thankfully, with the smoke detector, I could just press the reset button.
Sadly, it’s not always that simple for us.
When we sense danger, the system activates, and we feel its effects in our bodies and minds. This isn’t just ‘all in our heads,’ nor is it something we need to ‘fix’ because emotions are inevitable, and in some scenarios, fear is a literal lifesaver.
However, the key is in the distinction: is our fear saving us, or is it restricting us? If it’s the former, follow your instinct (safety first). But if it’s the latter, it’s best to take a step back, take a breath, and be a little honest with how we feel.
Learning to Ride With Fear: Working With It, Not Against It
If we want to understand fear and approach it in a healthier way, it takes some time and practice.
Sadly, making friends with fear doesn’t happen overnight, it’s a process, much like learning to ride a bike. At first, you’ve got the stabilisers and the reassuring hand of an adult, you’re clinging on for dear life, convinced that the moment they let go, you’re screwed.
But after a few wobbles (and maybe a fall or three), you start to find your balance. You learn to work with the fear and before you know it, you’re pedalling away because, as they say, it really does become ‘just like riding a bike’, eventually.
Confronting our fear takes a little self-awareness and willingness to understand what’s really going on inside our minds and bodies. And trust me, I’m right here with you, figuring this all out as we go.
Fake it till you make it, right?
It’s always reassuring to know you’re not alone and in the next few posts, I’ll dive into the difference between fear and anxiety, how fear shows up in our minds and bodies, how we can work with those feelings, and some of the deeper reasons behind the fears we carry.
Because damn it, if fear is going to be a lifelong friend, we might as well learn to live with it on our own terms!
Now, Let’s Wrap This Up:
Because let’s be honest, I do love to ramble on! I mentioned at the start that writing this blog is my version of stepping into the spotlight and I’m feeling the fear. Now, here’s my question to you:
What’s your spotlight? What’s that one thing that stirs up fear in you?
Something for you to think about before we meet again in blog number two: 🌿→ ‘Same Dread, Different Thread’.
I’ll see you soon,
Charlotte 🪷
Before you Go:
Not ready for that? You can explore how coaching works here 🌿→ Coaching Page
FAQ: The Fear of Being Seen:
Putting myself back in the spotlight again:
This next little section is partly for SEO purposes (so people can actually find this post on Google – it’s something I’m learning to balance so I feel full transparency helps to keep my integrity intact). But since we’re here together, I thought I’d make it useful too. Which feels like a win–win for us both!
To me, it means shifting fear from being the enemy to being an emotion we can notice, understand, and work alongside. When fear feels like an ally instead of an obstacle, it calms our resistance and frees up space for self-compassion.
Because our nervous system can’t always tell the difference between a real danger and something like speaking up in a meeting or sharing your voice online. The body reacts as if both are threats, even when we’re physically safe. Because often our spotlights make us feel emotionally unsafe.
Yes. Shy or highly sensitive souls often feel fear more intensely, but that doesn’t mean it has to hold us back. With curiosity, grounding, and compassion, we can learn to step forward gently – without having to change who we are.
Fear is our body’s response to a specific threat in the moment, while anxiety is more about the “what ifs” – the worry that lingers even without an immediate danger. (This is something I’ll be exploring more deeply in my next post 🌿 → Fear vs Anxiety. A Guide for Quiet Souls – The Quiet Guide)
If you’ve reached the end of this FAQ, you’re my kind of soul 🫶
🌿 → Click here to explore the full making friends with fear series
Gentle Note: This post is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. For more information please click here 🌿→ Disclaimer Page.
