Hello you! We meet again — and thank you, as always, for joining me for another blog post. Today, we’ll be winding down (literally), as we take a look at the often rocky relationship between fear, anxiety, and sleep. Let’s just say… they’re not known for their harmonious partnership. So perhaps it’s time to offer them a little metaphorical marriage counselling.
And yes, it’s official — we’ve reached the “let’s settle down” stage of our fear friendship journey. And honestly, it feels right. We’ve spent some time getting to know fear — its habits, its hiding spots, its physical toll. Now it’s time to make the ultimate commitment: learning how to rest alongside it.
So, breaking with my usual tradition: lie down, rest your head, pull over the duvet, and let’s get cosy. But before we drift off too far, allow me to be a little honest.
I sat down this week to explore all things sleep and — call it naivety or maybe just a dash of arrogance — I genuinely thought I could wrap it all up in one tidy post.
Turns out? Sleep is vast. Surprisingly vast.
So, to keep things calm and clear, I’ve decided to split this into two parts. We can think of this as two marriage counselling sessions for the price of one — because, let’s face it, one is never enough.
And truly, it’s better for both of us.
Fear, Sleep & The Two-Part Toolkit
Part One is all things science — well, as much as I can handle.
We’ll take a look at why we need sleep, what happens while we sleep, and what helps regulate it all behind the scenes.
Part Two is where the techniques come in.
We’ll explore how to set the scene for the perfect night’s rest — and what to do when we’re disturbed, right after finally drifting off into dreamland.
Reflecting Back on Our Fear-Filled Filing Cabinet
But before we do, allow me to complete the customary recap.
In my last post — 🌿 → Flare Up, Settle Down — we uncovered some of the sneakier ways fear and anxiety can affect our health. From tension headaches to panic pimples, and a fair bit of digestive drama in between, fear has a funny way of leaving a physical footprint.
We also looked at why fear shows up in the body like this — exploring the idea that the mind and body are not separate entities, but one deeply connected system. And we touched on why those of us in the West may be less familiar with this more holistic approach to health and healing.
I also left you with a question:
What’s hiding in your “emotional cupboard” — and how might it feel to gently open that door?
Now, I’ll be honest — this isn’t an easy question. What’s tucked away in that cupboard is often there for a reason: it’s painful, it’s exhausting, and sometimes, it’s deeply traumatic. More often than not, it’s all three.
And depending on the size (and drawer space) of your emotional filing cabinet, it might take a lifetime to unpack everything inside. Which brings up another important question: should we?
Personally, I believe that’s a uniquely individual decision — and I wouldn’t want to sway you one way or another. However, in my experience, having a little peek and doing a gentle ‘spring clean’ now and then can be helpful. As I mentioned a few blog posts ago, the art really is in the balance.
(In case you missed that little treat I’ve linked it here 🌿 → Awareness & The Art of Balance).
That said, there’s more to this idea than one blog post can hold — and it deserves its own space. So we’re not ignoring it, just parking it for now. I’ll be diving into it fully in a later post.
The Final Piece: Finding Rest
So far in this series, we’ve explored how fear and anxiety show up in the body — from breath to tension, and everything in between. And now, we arrive at one final piece in the physical puzzle of the fear friendship journey.
Or — to really sell my emotional cupboard analogy — we’ve done a little dusting. And now, we find ourselves in one of fear’s favourite hiding places: the night.
Because when the world finally quiets down, the mind often wakes up.
During the day, we can usually turn the volume down on those anxious thoughts — or at least distract ourselves. But once the lights go out? That’s when they like to burst back in with full force.
Helpful? Not really. Normal? Sadly, yes.
Not Enough Beauty Sleep
Whether it’s not enough sleep, poor-quality sleep, or waking up after a full night only to resemble a well-dressed zombie, it’s a struggle most of us know all too well. And it creates a frustrating Catch-22: fear and anxiety stop you from doing the one thing that could help reduce them — sleep.
You’re in bed, cosy and ready for rest, and then — bam — your mind wakes up.
“Hi. Do you remember this thing from two weeks ago…?”
I often find myself arguing with that voice:
“Yeah, I remember! You never let me forget!”
Which inevitably leads to…
The Energy Zap
Let’s be honest — if we’ve let our hair down and had a bit too much fun the night before, we expect to feel a little tired the next day. That’s fair.
But when you’ve stuck to your routine, hit the pillow by 10 p.m., and still wake up feeling like you pulled an all-nighter (minus any of the fun)? Chances are your energy’s being zapped by your body staying stuck in fight-or-flight — or by the non-stop mental chatter of an anxious mind.
Whether it’s stress hormones draining you, a lack of quality sleep, or a bit of both — something’s clearly depleting your battery.
So if you’re feeling foggy, drained, and a little emotionally frayed — you’re not imagining it, and you are not alone. There are a few reasons behind it.
A Little Sleepy Geekery: Why Rest Isn’t Just a Luxury
The reason we need sleep — and what actually happens once our eyes close — is both widely studied and still surprisingly mysterious. There’s plenty we do know, and even more that science is still figuring out. The specifics and complexities of sleep are still unfolding, one dreamy study at a time.
But in the interest of keeping this post light (and, admittedly, my knowledge only goes so far), here’s a small whistle-stop tour of what we do know sleep helps with.
Because what I do know is this: sleep is incredibly important. And we’ll start by setting the stage — literally.
Sleep Stages – The Perfect Nighttime Performance
They say good things come in threes — but when it comes to sleep, we’ve actually got four acts in the show.
At first glance, sleep seems simple: close your eyes, drift off, and wake up eight hours later (ideally). But behind the scenes, your body cycles through four distinct stages of sleep, multiple times a night.
These cycles vary depending on things like age, sleep patterns, and lifestyle factors (like whether you’ve had caffeine, alcohol, or indulged in a late-night scroll). A full cycle — typically running from Stage 2 through to REM — can last anywhere from 70 to 120 minutes.
If you’ve ever worn a sleep tracker, you’ll know what I mean. The little graph with its up-and-down squiggly line becomes oddly addictive. You find yourself chasing that sweet spot of 100% sleep efficiency. (Been there. Tried it. Never quite achieved it.)
So — what are these four stages? And what exactly is happening while we’re off catching those ZZZs?
Act One: The Lightest
This is the first step into sleep — the part that happens just after your eyes close and you start to drift. The mind begins to shut down for the night, and the body slowly starts to unwind.
It’s a quick one, but an essential one. And if you’re lucky enough to stay asleep through the night? You likely won’t return to it. It tends to show up just once — as your entryway into sleep — or very briefly between cycles if your rest gets disrupted.
However, if you forgot to put your phone on Do Not Disturb, and your email pings with an ‘unbelievable’ offer from a website you signed up to years ago — well, you’re likely to wake up.
Because this stage is light, and we’re still easily woken. But, all being well, in around 10 minutes you’ll be arriving in…
Act Two: Is This Sinking In
By now, the mind is settling even further, and the body is fully starting to relax. Our temperature drops, breathing slows, and the heart beats a little softer. We’re well on our way to slumberland.
Typically, we hang out here for about 30 minutes (give or take), but this stage tends to get longer as we cycle through the acts throughout the night.
We can still be woken during this stage — but as we’re sinking into deeper sleep, it takes a bit more to rouse us. For me this week? It was next door’s car alarm. (Thanks, neighbours.)
From here, we enter…
Act Three: Into The Deep
Now, our bodies are fully relaxed, and our minds have seriously slowed down — literally — as we enter slow-wave sleep. Our breathing softens even further, and the heart takes a much-needed rest too, beating slower and steadier.
It’s official: we’ve reached the zen side of sleep — and the most restorative. (More on that below.)
We’ll spend some time here — around 20 to 40 minutes — with this stage tending to last longer earlier in the night, and gradually shortening as we move toward the morning light.
So, at this point, if next door’s car alarm kicks off again, it’ll be a little harder to wake us — not impossible, but let’s just say it might take more than a ping or a passing noise to pull us back.
We’re fully asleep now… just not quite dreaming. (Well, we could be — but more often than not, we tend to dream in…)
Act Four: REM (Not the Band)
Welcome to Rapid Eye Movement — the final and most profound stage of the sleep cycle. This is where most dreams are made.
At this point, the mind and body take some much-needed time apart. The body temporarily shuts down — quite literally — as we enter a short-lived state of muscle paralysis. As alarming as that may sound, it’s actually just your body sticking to its own health and safety regulations. It’s risk assessed and decided: “Let’s keep those dreams in the mind — and not acted out in the bedroom.”
Meanwhile, the mind does the opposite — activity picks up. This is where those vivid, strange, and often slightly ridiculous dreams come out to play.
In the early part of the night, we don’t spend long here. But as we move closer to morning, REM sleep increases — lasting anywhere from 10 to 60 minutes in length.
So, now we’ve officially set the stages for our sleep, it’s only natural to take a quiet walk backstage — to explore what this nightly performance is really all about.
Because yes, it may look like we’re doing “nothing” while we sleep. But behind the duvet, the body and mind are hard at work.
Behind The Scenes: The Benefits Of Sleep
It goes without saying that we need sleep — although, over the years, some have tried to test that theory. (I do question why.)
The current world record for staying awake? Well, that’s a little unclear. But if we stick to strictly scientific territory, it’s eleven consecutive days — recorded during a carefully monitored experiment in the 1960s.
Either way, going without sleep for too long is incredibly risky — and in some extreme cases, it can have fatal consequences.
So yes, needless to say, I don’t recommend trying that at home. And as we’re all sensible souls here, let’s take a look at some of the more useful benefits sleep has to offer.
Full Body Maintenance
During those deeper stages of sleep, the body gets to work and begins its nighttime maintenance. It’s closed for the kind of repair work it just can’t manage while we’re awake:
Repairing muscles and tissues — All those little micro-tears, niggles, and aches from exercise, movement, or just the wear and tear of daily life? This is when the body quietly gets to work, mending and supporting the healing process.
Boosting immune function — Sleep strengthens your immune system by encouraging the release of cytokines — those lovely little proteins that help fight infection and inflammation. (Which is why that extra sleep during the annual winter cold really does matter.)
Releasing growth hormone — Not just for the young among us! Growth hormone helps rebuild cells, regenerate tissue, and maintain healthy muscle and bone mass. A little nightly boost to keep the body feeling as youthful as it can. Who doesn’t want that?
Balancing hormones — Sleep plays a big role in regulating key hormones like cortisol (your stress hormone — important for our fear friendship journey), insulin (which helps with blood sugar), and even hunger-related hormones like leptin and ghrelin.
It’s basically the human version of a hardware update, essential not just for longevity, but for daily usability, too.
Brain Cleaning
Just like my robotic hoover, the brain also has a handy tool at its disposal to do a bit of lazy cleaning while we sleep. Enter: the glymphatic system.
Throughout the day, as we think, move, feel, and navigate the world around us, our brains naturally produce their own waste. One of these waste products is beta-amyloid — a protein that, when not cleared properly, has been linked to cognitive decline and conditions like Alzheimer’s.
The glymphatic system is basically the lymphatic system’s brainy twin — one clears waste from the body, the other from the mind. And it gets to work during deep sleep, when the brain’s cells actually shrink slightly to make room for cerebrospinal fluid to wash through and carry the waste away.
(Which, I’ll be honest, was new information to me while researching for this blog. Always learning!)
Memory Filing: While You Sleep
We all have our annoying life admin needs — but it turns out, sleep isn’t just good for rest. It’s also essential for helping us remember things.
While we’re quietly snoozing — especially during REM sleep — our brain is busy doing a bit of mental filing on our behalf. Its job? To decide what’s relevant to keep, and where that information should go. It’s a tidy little service, really.
In simple terms, sleep helps move our experiences from short-term storage into long-term memory. Without adequate sleep, the brain doesn’t get the chance to “save the file” to a nicely arranged folder. And much like forgetting to save a Word document — that can come back to haunt us.
For those of us who are last-minute dot com, that approach may work for a written piece — but when it comes to exams? Sleep may actually do more good than a late-night cram. Sadly, no amount of page-staring at 2 a.m. will give the brain the chance it needs to store and sort new information.
As I used to say in my school nursing days: the best thing you can do before an exam is get a full night’s sleep.
Emotional Admin
Sleep doesn’t just help the body — it gives the emotions a much-needed time out. At this point, we can safely say: sleep is the ultimate personal assistant. It even helps with our emotional admin. Thank you, sleep!
While we rest, the brain releases those happy chemicals — serotonin and dopamine — which we humans are naturally wired to want more of. These chemicals help regulate how we feel by promoting calm, steady, balanced emotions.
But when we’re sleep-deprived, it’s often the opposite. Personally, if I’ve not had the best sleep, my anxiety tends to kick into full swing — and that makes total sense. Because lack of sleep can trigger the fight-or-flight system, and we know where that road leads.
It also adds even more evidence to that catch-22 I mentioned earlier: We need sleep to manage fear and anxiety… yet fear and anxiety can make sleep feel impossible.
So yes — we’re more likely to feel overwhelmed, reactive, irritable, or anxious (even over the little things) when we haven’t had enough rest.
A good night’s sleep won’t solve everything — but for me? It’s the difference between riding the emotional waves with a plank of wood versus a surfboard.
The Rhythm of Rest
Our bodies thrive on rhythm and balance — and sleep is no exception.
Enter the circadian rhythm: our well-equipped, incredibly proficient 24-hour internal clock. It quietly regulates everything from temperature and digestion to hormone release and energy levels.
And sleep? It’s one of the most powerful cues that keeps this clock ticking in time.
As evening falls, your circadian rhythm sends a signal to start releasing melatonin, the body’s natural sleep hormone. You might notice your energy dipping, or find yourself nodding off halfway through the film you swore you’d stay awake for. That’s melatonin — gently swimming around and doing its thing.
Then, as morning approaches, the rhythm shifts gears. It sends out another — possibly more familiar — hormone: cortisol. Now, I know. The irony. Cortisol is the very hormone we often associate with anxiety and fear — and yet, it’s also the one that helps wake us up. Biology is a contradictory character!
💬 Just a little side note from me: This might explain why those of us with an anxious temperament tend to feel a little more on edge in the mornings. Personally, I often wake with that extra buzz of energy — and I’ve found that movement really helps. A short walk, some light stretching, or even gentle swaying as I ease into my morning routine can help release that tension and settle the system.
The Sleep Pressure System
Alongside the rhythm of melatonin and light, our bodies have another sleepy chemical called adenosine.
This clever little compound builds up in the brain as we move through the day. The longer we’re awake, the more it accumulates. If you’ve ever felt like your eyelids are carrying weights — that’s adenosine whispering:
“Hey… time to lie down.”
The Light Vs The Activity
It’s easy to confuse melatonin and adenosine — biology rarely makes things simple. So, to help untangle it (at least in my own mind), I like to think of it this way:
Melatonin is very time- and light-sensitive.
It’s a lover of routine and follows the same gentle rhythm day in, day out. For my fellow introverts — if we had to pick a chemical that best describes us, melatonin might just be it. It prefers dim lighting, soft cues, and shows up on schedule.
Adenosine, on the other hand, doesn’t care what time it is — it cares how long you’ve been going.
I like to think of it as the backpack of the brain. Every hour you’re awake, you’re stuffing it with more mental and physical bricks. The longer you stay awake, the heavier it gets — until eventually your body says:
“That’s enough. Time for bed.”
Together, they’re a bit like a tag team:
Melatonin sets the tone and says: “It’s time.”
Adenosine brings the weight and says: “Seriously. Now.”
And together? They create the natural rhythm that carries us into sleep each night.
So, that’s the why we sleep, the what happens while we do, and the what regulates it — all sorted.
But there’s one honourable mention — and I’ll be honest, I nearly forgot to include it. (It’s ironic, really, considering it’s probably the one thing most people actually think about when it comes to sleep.)
And that would be…
How Much Sleep Do We Actually Need?
Well — that is the question!
The general recommendation for adults is anywhere from 7 to 9 hours. But, as with all things in life, we’re all uniquely different. There’s no magic number here — rather, a sweet spot. The goal is to complete full sleep cycles and give the body and mind enough time to do their quiet night-time work.
For me, the sweet spot is around 8 hours. Any less and I feel a bit hungover (without the fun night out to justify it), and any more… well, I still feel hungover. (Poor me.)
You might feel great on 7. Or maybe you need closer to 9. The key is to notice how you feel — and work your baseline from there.
That said, the extremely successful among us (the I’m-a-CEO-billionaire kind) often claim they only need 4 or 5 hours. I’m not here to argue with that or judge their sleeping habits — but I will gently say: When it comes to sleep, quality trumps quantity. Every time.
Early Birds & Night Owls
How long we sleep is hugely important — but when we sleep matters too.
Some of us are natural early birds, rising with the sun and thriving in the morning hours. That would be me. Morning is my favourite time of day — the earlier the better. (Well… anything after 6 a.m. and the compulsory coffee, of course.)
Others are night owls, finding their groove when the world gets quiet and the stars come out.
This isn’t laziness or rebellion — it’s often down to your chronotype, which is your body’s internal preference for sleep–wake timing. So if you’ve spent years trying to force yourself into a morning routine that never feels natural, worry not. You’re not broken. You might just be wired for the evening.
It’s all part of learning how your sleep works — not just what the averages say.
If you’re curious to find out more, here’s a little quiz (strictly for fun) that sorts chronotypes into animal categories: 🌿 → PsychCentral – Chronotype Quiz. Just to note, they use wolf, lion, dolphin, and bear — but personally, early birds and night owls just flow better in my mind.
Anyway — moving on.
Now We Can Rest
We’ve taken a little tour through the inner workings of sleep — from the rhythms and the chemicals, to the cycles and the occasional chaos. We’ve peeked behind the curtain to see how sleep should work — and how fear and anxiety love to meddle with it.
What we now know is this: sleep isn’t lazy, mysterious, or optional. It’s powerful. It’s repair, regulation, and restoration — all rolled into one.
And while knowing this doesn’t magically switch off an anxious mind at night… it does give us something to work with. Something to understand. Something to approach with compassionate curiosity.
So next time, in Part Two, we’ll move from theory to technique — from the why to the how.
We’ll explore soft rituals, gentle shifts, and the bedtime supports that can bring a little more ease to your evenings — and maybe even help fear and sleep repair their slightly rocky relationship.
Until then, I’ll leave you with two questions:
How are you sleeping?
And how rested do you feel the moment you open your eyes?
I’ll see you soon,
Charlotte 🪷
P.S. If you’re wondering who happily spends hours reading about melatonin, circadian rhythms, and the emotional baggage of bedtime (this is me) — you can find out more about me here 🌿 → About Me.
And if your nights have been a little restless lately — or your nervous system has been quietly (or not so quietly) asking for a bit of calm — I’m here if you’d like some company while you gently explore what’s going on beneath the surface. You can learn more about my 1:1 coaching here 🌿 → My Coaching.
