Hello you! Welcome to session two of our fear-and-sleep marriage counselling – where we’re gently shifting from why they’ve been struggling to how we might help them reconnect. Let’s restore the bond between fear and sleep by placing them back under the soft spotlight they deserve.
We’ve finally reached the stage of resolution – the arguments have quietened, and a sense of peace is on the horizon.
As always, get comfy, ruffle that pillow, and settle down – but before we close our eyes, humour me for a quick recap.
Reflecting Back To Session One
Part one was all things science – we explored why we sleep, what happens when we do, and how fear and anxiety can quietly meddle with the peace.
In case you missed it, I’ve linked to part one here 🌿 → Fear, Anxiety & The Sleep Struggle.
I also left you with two gentle questions to ponder:
How are you sleeping?
And how rested do you feel the moment you open your eyes?
Because the way we sleep – and how we feel when we wake – can quietly reveal what’s going on beneath the surface.
As we touched on last time, what we carry within often finds a way to creep out at night – whether it’s trouble drifting off, waking in the early hours, or rising already feeling a little frayed around the edges.
And while the techniques we’ll explore today can go a long way in helping you settle into sleep, tuning into your inner world can bring deeper understanding – especially when it comes to the fear and anxiety behind our spotlights.
Next week, we’ll begin gently opening the emotional cupboard – taking what we’ve explored so far and using it as a kind of soft spring clean. Nothing drastic – just a little dusting of space, one box at a time.
(I’ve linked to my emotional cupboard theory from an earlier post here 🌿 → Emotional Storage.)
But as I always say – we’re on a journey here, together. There’s no need to rush in and ‘fix’ anything. Instead, we can simply step back and stay curious. Even – and especially – when it comes to sleep.
Slow & Steady
For me, the most meaningful progress in my self-help journey has always come from taking a slow and steady approach.
Yes, we have a few sleep-related goals to work towards – but more than anything, the aim is to feel relaxed, calm, and safe. And I’m a big believer in small steps. Rushing in and trying to change everything at once can quickly lead to overwhelm.
I know I’ve said this in previous posts – but I’ll say it again here, because I speak from experience. Even after writing last week’s post, I noticed myself slipping into slightly obsessive thinking around how I was sleeping. And the pressure I was placing on myself had the opposite effect – it made sleep even harder.
So, while I’m about to offer a lovely list of suggestions below, I gently encourage you to start small and build slowly. We’re all at different stages in our fear friendship journey – and sometimes, even a single, simple shift (like skipping that 5 p.m. coffee after work) can make a quiet but powerful difference.
Okay – that’s the gentle reminder out of the way. Now, let’s move into the good stuff.
The Closing Act: Sleep in Practice
And so, we arrive at the closing scene of our fear friendship journey – physically speaking, at least.
So, how do we help our bodies ease into calm, restful slumber? And how do we stay asleep once our eyes close, so we get the quality rest we truly deserve?
Well, allow me to introduce you to a little something called sleep hygiene.
Now, when I first came across this term, I genuinely thought I’d misheard. Hygiene? Really? To be fair, I’ve always found that a nice hot shower helps me drift off but is that all it takes to guarantee a full eight hours?
What Actually Is Sleep Hygiene?
Good question. Because back in my school nursing days, I’ll admit – I used to parrot this term regularly, without ever really stopping to consider what it meant. Slightly shameful, I know. But in fairness, the advice I gave was still solid – even if it wasn’t always well received by teenagers (which, to be fair, is a tricky crowd at the best of times).
Hopefully, you’ll be a little more on board.
After a little research and reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that – well – the consensus is: no one really agrees on a precise definition.
It’s a fairly vague term, I’ll give it that. But it’s still commonly used in the medical world as a kind of shorthand. So there you go.
From this point on – let’s just keep things simple and call it what it is: good sleep habits.
Which really means creating the right conditions – physically, mentally, and emotionally – for sleep to arrive gently, and stay through the night.
Sleep Habits (Part One): Getting To Sleep
Let’s start with the first hurdle: falling asleep.
If your mind seems to spring awake the very moment you need it to settle – you’re not alone. Here are a few things you can try to help ease yourself into sleep… rather than wrestle your way into it. Most of them are more about preparation than the act of sleeping itself.
Setting the Scene
As they say, tidy space, tidy mind. So perhaps a calm space equals deeper sleep.
Where we sleep – and the environment we create around it – can make all the difference. Ideally, your bed should be clutter-free, used only for sleep, and feel like a space of comfort and calm.
Now, as someone who travels quite a bit, I know our bedrooms can sometimes double as kitchens, workspaces, gyms, or chill-out zones all rolled into one. While that’s not always ideal, a little attention to detail can go a long way – not just for sleep, but for all of life.
If you’re working with a multifunctional space, try assigning zones. And if nothing else, claim a portion of your bed as your sleep zone – even if it’s just one half. It’s about creating a corner of calm that your body begins to associate with rest.
So when your head hits the pillow, your mind knows – this is where we switch off. Good night.
Roll Call for Rest:
Now that we’ve got the space sorted, let’s sproosh it up a little.
Maybe treat yourself to a sleep spray or pop some lavender by your bedside. Put on some gentle music, hold something soft, or light a candle as you wind down (just don’t forget to blow it out – a full-on fire won’t help us sleep). Whatever helps you soften into sleep mode – lean into it.
These sensory signals gently train the body and mind to know: it’s time to rest.
Also, try to have as little light as possible in the room. It might sound simple, but we often underestimate just how much light pollution sneaks into our sleep space. If you have the means – or you’re in the market for new curtains – splash out on some blackout ones. If not, or if you’re like me and often on the move, a good eye mask works wonders. The more light you can block out, the better.
Side note: Natural and artificial light – especially in the lead-up to sleep – can interfere with our circadian rhythm and melatonin levels. This is particularly relevant for those of us lucky souls living in places where winter brings barely any daylight and in summer it never seems to end.
(I’ve linked to the section in part one where I explain this in more detail: 🌿 → The Rhythm of Rest ).
Prepare, Pamper, and Unwind
(Sorry – I couldn’t think of a final P to complete the set!)
What we do before bed matters just as much as where we sleep. Allowing yourself an hour of intentional wind-down time before bedtime can really help the body shift from awake to rest mode.
🕒 Prepare – Spend the first 20 minutes getting things ready for tomorrow. That might mean packing your work bag, prepping lunch, or (if you’re lucky enough to have the day off) planning a do-nothing-and-watch-a-film kind of day.
🛁 Pamper – This is your hygiene time – the one part where sleep hygiene actually makes sense. Brush your teeth, wash your face, maybe take a warm shower. Perhaps even treat yourself to that face mask that’s been hiding in the bathroom cabinet since last Christmas. Whatever helps you physically settle – this is the moment for it.
📖 Unwind – Use the final 20 minutes purely for relaxation. That might mean reading a book, doing a few deep breaths, or journalling. Avoid anything that pulls the brain into thinking mode – we’re aiming for soothing mode.
And if your book happens to be a page-turner – yes, I know, another chapter won’t hurt. Well, maybe not… but could it nudge your routine off course? (Sorry. That one pains me too.)
So, we’ve set the scene and started our power-down an hour before the curtain call – but what happens when we do drift off and can’t quite manage to stay there?
Well, allow me to introduce you to:
Sleep Habits (Part Two): Staying Asleep
Falling asleep is one thing – but staying asleep and waking up feeling rested? That’s where the real magic begins.
Whether you’re waking up at 4 a.m. in full panic mode, tossing and turning through the night, or rising feeling like you’ve been sleep-dancing, here are a few gentle ways to support deeper, more restorative rest.
Let’s start with a few things we can do – or gently avoid – to help improve the quality of our sleep over time.
Catch Some Morning Rays
Because our bodies love a bit of rhythm – especially when it comes to sleep. Yes, it’s our circadian rhythm again.
Try to get some natural light first thing in the morning. Even standing by a window with your morning coffee can help. And if you’ve got time for a short walk outside, even better. Bonus points if daylight is the first thing your eyes see – although I know that can be tricky in winter when it’s still pitch black at breakfast. But hey, who doesn’t love a challenge?
It might sound backwards when we’re talking about sleep, but morning light actually helps reset your circadian rhythm. Just 10–15 minutes of light early in the day can help trigger the right sleep signals later on – setting you up for deeper, more restorative rest once your head hits the pillow.
A Consistent Sleep Routine:
Luxurious lie-ins and late-night parties? A thing of the past. (Sort of).
It does pain me to say this – I love a lazy morning. But consistency really does help. Waking up and winding down at the same times each day (yes, even on weekends) helps set your body’s rhythm and supports better-quality sleep over time.
That’s not to say you can’t ever stay out late or enjoy a cheeky lie-in. You absolutely can – just aim to keep it as an every now and then kind of treat. Your nervous system will thank you.
(Think of a late night as a kind of internal jet lag – just without the holiday.)
The Caffeine Buzz
Great in the morning – not so great later in the day.
I say this with love – and deep coffee loyalty bordering on addiction – but caffeine can seriously interfere with sleep. Depending on your sensitivity, it can hang around in your system for up to 12 hours. So that lovely 6 p.m. pick-me-up? It might still be dancing through your bloodstream by midnight.
No need to cut it out completely (I wouldn’t dream of suggesting such a thing). But if you can, try switching to a non-caffeinated option after lunch.
Side note: The reason caffeine gives us that familiar boost is because it blocks a sleep-promoting compound called adenosine – the one that gradually builds throughout the day and eventually tugs on our eyelids when it’s time to rest.
(I’ve linked to part one where I give adenosine a little more attention 🌿 → The Sleep Pressure System).
The Liquid Block
I do feel like the bearer of even more bad news here to all alcohol drinkers – but if you’re looking for truly restful sleep, alcohol is really not your friend.
Now, I’m not here to instruct or judge (I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t partial to a cold glass of Sauvignon Blanc on a hot summer’s day). But if you’re anything like me, you might’ve noticed that the after-effects of alcohol go beyond just the hangover.
Alcohol disrupts sleep on both ends. First, it can block our circadian rhythm and interfere with the brain’s light and dark signals. Second, it messes with REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep – the dreamy, emotionally restorative part of our sleep cycle. While it tends to increase deep sleep early in the night, it comes at the cost of REM – and as we explored in part one, REM plays a vital role in memory, mood, and emotional regulation.
I remember a holiday some years ago, staying in a friend’s very old cottage in the middle of nowhere – the kind of place you’d swear was haunted. And in my defence, if you’re picturing a textbook spooky house… that was the one. When night fell and it was time to sleep, well, naturally I couldn’t. So I turned to wine – and sure enough, it helped. I slept like a baby.
But while I remained blissfully unaware of any bumps in the night, it didn’t help my sleep quality – or my ability to manage the long days of walking the holiday required.
I share this story (embarrassing as it is) because I think it captures the reality many of us face. Alcohol is often a go-to remedy when sleep feels elusive – but in truth, it does more harm than good. Especially in the long run. Sorry!
The techniques we’ve covered above offer far gentler ways to drift off – and if you’ve got any good alternatives for ghost-related sleep fear, I’m all ears.
Anyway – moving on!
The Middle-of-the-Night Panic
We’ve set the scene, prepared, cut back on caffeine, and we’re completely teetotal – and yet… it’s 4 a.m., and your mind is in full rave mode. Hello anxiety, we meet again!
I have two suggestions for this: one to explore during the day or evening, and one for when the worry-mind strikes in the middle of the night.
The Worry Journal
As an anxious soul myself, I’ve found that most of my worries are repetitive, familiar, and often intense. That said, simply getting them out – whether that’s writing them down, typing them up, or saying them out loud – can help create a bit of distance.
I like to think of my thoughts as clouds in the sky, or waves in the ocean. Some are dark and persistent, others softer and fleeting – but like clouds and waves, they do pass eventually.
Spending just a few minutes each day jotting your worries down can help ease their weight. Or at the very least, it gives you a chance to see them clearly. Because while we often feel and hear our thoughts, we rarely see them outside of our own minds.
And how does this help with sleep? Well, by the time you close your eyes, your brain knows its worries have been acknowledged – and may (not always, but sometimes) take that as permission to let them go. At least for now.
If something specific is playing on my mind – or more accurately, cycling around it – I’ll often say aloud: “I’ve written this worry down. I acknowledge it. And now, I can rest.”
It may take a little practice, but over time, those thoughts do begin to soften. Even just a little.
The All Is Well Mantra
Now, this one’s a personal favourite of mine – so please take it with the anecdotal grain of salt it deserves.
I’ve found that just before bed, my fight-or-flight system can feel a little vulnerable. And it makes perfect sense – after all, when we sleep, we’re meant to be still, quiet, and (all being well) defenceless. For those of us with slightly overactive nervous systems – fellow anxious souls – this can sometimes feel like a stretch.
But the simple act of saying “I’m safe” to myself, followed by a few slow breaths, often gives my body and mind the permission they need to switch off for the night.
Most of the time, anyway – though sometimes it still gets to:
4am It’s Worry O’Clock
For those moments when your worries just won’t let go – and wake you up simply to remind you they’re still there (thanks, mind) – try this:
- Keep a pen and paper beside your bed. You may not need it, but just in case. It can be a proper worry log or just a scrap of paper – either will do.
- Sit up gently and stretch your neck or shoulders – or both.
- Try a calming breath. The 4–7–8 technique works beautifully here. (If you missed it, I’ve linked back to that blog here 🌿 → Breathe In, Calm Out.)
- Still restless? Turn on a very dim light and scribble everything down. Don’t worry about what it looks like – just write, and let it flow.
Then, gently remind yourself: “It’s all written down. I’ll come back to this in the morning. For now, it’s safely stored.”
Sometimes, giving the brain a safe place to put things is all it needs to let go.
A Final Note On Things to Avoid Before Sleep
Last – but by no means least – I think it’s worth mentioning a few modern temptations that can quietly interfere with our sleep. And yes, I’m willing to be a little unpopular here (to be fair, this is familiar territory for me).
I know I’ve touched on this before, but it’s worth repeating: the lure of just one more chapter or just one more episode is real. I’ve been there – and honestly, I still am some days. But as a general rule of thumb, try to avoid anything that pulls you in emotionally or mentally during that final hour before sleep.
And the same goes for screens – the blue light they emit can mess with the hormones that signal to your brain it’s time for rest. Remember melatonin? It’s not a fan of a late-night phone scroll.
Now, you can buy glasses that claim to block blue light – I’m not here to argue for or against them – but after a quick google search, let’s just say the evidence seems mixed.
So as hard as it may be, all electronics really do need to take a back seat in that final hour. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, once again.
Tucking It All In
In this post, we’ve explored a handful of techniques to help support our sleep – from where we rest, to how we wind down in the final hour of the day. And if there’s one thing each tip illustrates, it’s that sleep is an action that deserves our time, our care and ultimately, our respect.
Because in honouring our sleep, we’re really honouring ourselves.
With a good night’s rest, we’re better equipped to face our spotlights – and whatever else life might throw our way. We meet the day more present, more energised, and more able to show up not just for ourselves, but for those around us too.
Which leads me to say:
Goodnight, Until We Meet Again…
We’ve officially reached the physical end of our fear friendship journey – and what an experience it’s been.
In my next post, we’ll gently close this chapter with a quiet shift into reflection. Think of it as a kind of emotional spring clean – not a full unpacking, but a soft dusting. A clearing of space. We’ll revisit the spotlights we’ve uncovered, the breath we’ve befriended, and the ways fear lives in our bodies – all as a way to gently open the emotional cupboard and see what’s inside, one box at a time.
Because where we’ve been isn’t just theory – it’s momentum. And what comes next? That’s where the clearing begins.
So until next time, I wish you a lovely, deep, restful sleep – the kind you truly deserve.
I’ll see you soon,
Charlotte 🪷
P.S If you’re wondering who’s been happily testing bedtime rituals, sniffing lavender sprays, and quietly negotiating with their nervous system at 4 a.m. (still me) – you can find out more about me here 🌿 → About Me.
And if your sleep’s been a little elusive lately – or you’d simply like some company as you explore the connection between fear, rest, and everything in between – if you’d like a bit of gentle support as you explore all this, I’m here. You can learn more about my 1:1 coaching here 🌿 → My Coaching.
