8a. Why Perfectionism Develops

Let’s Get Emotional With Perfectionism – The Not-So-Perfect Defence

Hello you. I hope all is well in your world. Today’s post is one that sits close to my heart. Out of all the topics I’ve shared here, this is one that’s followed me the longest. In truth, I’m guiding myself through this one too, and I’m so glad you’re here with me – as a little company never goes amiss. Because in this post, we’re exploring why perfectionism develops.

So, as I always say: grab a seat, get comfy, and pop the kettle on. And while you’re doing that, allow me to share what’s ahead before perfectionism leads me to just one more read through.

Let’s begin with a little TL;DR (that’s Too Long; Didn’t Read – or as perfectionism might call it, Too Long; Didn’t Feel Ready Yet).

In other words, a short and sweet summary of what this post explores:

Now, if you’re eager to get straight to the good bits 🌿 → click here to jump to – what is perfectionism?

However, for those who (like me 🤗) might feel the pull to get everything just right before diving in, I’ve tucked a few extras below.

You’ll find the Perfectionism Mini-Series Roadmap, this post’s contents, and a quick reflection on our last post on rejection – the one where we began rebuilding self-trust before perfectionism takes centre stage.

👀 A Quick Peek at Whats Ahead:

🪞 Reflecting Back To Last Week’s Post

A Gentle Note Before We Begin

This post explores the roots of perfectionism and why it’s so common in our world today.

At times, it may feel a little heavy, and it may even seem like I’m getting up on my soap box a bit. And I probably am – because it’s important to highlight the pressures and challenges we face, rather than simply accepting that the problem lies solely within us.

But I promise, this isn’t a doomsday post. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Understanding these patterns – and the world we’re navigating – is the first step in helping us understand why perfectionism exists.

And if I come across as a little negative or overly passionate at times, I hope you’ll forgive me. I truly do see so many positives in the areas we explore. But my posts are long enough as they are and balancing both sides in one go might be a stretch for us both.

Anyway, to move on – disclaimer done and apologies made.

What is perfectionism?

A simple definition before we dig deeper

Perfectionism is the belief that we must get everything “just right.” It’s the constant striving for flawlessness, often setting high or even impossible standards for ourselves (and sometimes others), while leaving us exhausted in the pursuit of meeting them.

It can show up in many ways – from overworking, people-pleasing, and fearing mistakes to avoiding starting something altogether in case it isn’t “good enough.”

And while it can sometimes feel like a motivator, it often leaves us drained, disconnected, and never quite satisfied.

Personally, perfectionism is a prominent pattern for me. It shows up as checking, re-checking, and then checking again – especially with my blog posts. I’ll read them over and over, fixating on tiny details until hitting “publish” feels like taking a plunge.

It also shows up in not knowing where to start. If I don’t have the “perfect” plan or structure, I struggle to let myself relax enough to allow the words to flow. And then there’s social media, which can trigger the same cycle of over-checking, if not more.

So please believe me when I say: I get it. I know how hard this can be. These two posts are just as much for me as they are for you. We’re in this together.

So, whistle-stop definition complete. Now, let’s tackle why perfectionism develops.

Childhood Roots of Perfectionism

Where the striving begins

Allow me to take you back in time a little, because our perfectionistic tendencies can start early. And to explore this, we need to think about childhood and how it can affect our minds.

Life as a human is quite the challenge (thanks, universe!). And childhood is no exception. There’s probably a good reason we don’t remember being born. Thinking about it, it’s likely a scary, overwhelming, yet deeply profound and beautiful experience for everyone involved. Quite the entrance.

From the moment we arrive, we are completely reliant on our caregivers for survival. Babies are cute, special, and precious, of course. But dare I say, they’re also a little useless in those early years – because without an adult human around, they’re utterly defenceless.

In comparison, the animal kingdom generally plays by different rules. As soon as there’s a new arrival, it’s pretty much: get up, get on with it, and stay alive. That’s the brief and off you go.

That’s not to ignore the species whose young are born helpless too – like songbirds, mice, and even other primates (no surprises there). But it’s we humans who take the crown for the longest dependency period.

While baby kangaroos might like the security of mum’s pouch, human babies prefer the safety of human arms, forming the connections that shape how we feel about ourselves and the world around us.

I mention this because while our physical reliance is obvious, we don’t always consider the emotional and mental dependence we have on those closest to us in our early years – and well beyond them. This influence can shape so much of our human experience, not just during those early moments, but well into adulthood.

How Early Experiences Shape Perfectionism

The lessons we carry forward

We know the human body is born in a defenceless state. Well, the mind arrives in an impressionable one.

Our childhood, adolescence and adult journeys all contribute to how we navigate the complexity of life. We often see childhood as a beautiful time filled with curiosity, freedom, and fun – and hopefully, it is. Although for some, sadly, this isn’t the case. And even for those who do have a joyful childhood, experiences can still leave their marks.

Fast forward to adulthood. All may appear mature on the outside, but within, the mind is still growing, evolving, and – most importantly – forming our beliefs and identities.

From a moral and ethical perspective, it makes perfect sense to establish age-based barriers for when we can drive, smoke, drink, or vote. But on an individual level, things are not so simple. It has always baffled me that you can go to bed on the eve of your 18th birthday as a “child” and wake up the next day – at least in the eyes of the law – as an adult. Welcome to the responsibility club.

Personally, I expected some overnight epiphany, a change in perspective, and a formal introduction to the world of being a “mature human.” Yet, I woke up the next day exactly the same. Same face, same fears, same principles – just with one small difference: I could now go to the pub without worrying about being denied a Bacardi Breezer (please don’t judge – alcopops were all I could handle!). And that was it.

Hello, adulthood. Now what?

Emotional Development & the Need to Feel Safe

Physically mature & emotionally catching up

While we may appear mature on the surface, our brains are still very much under construction. Neuroscientists have a tricky job when it comes to the mind, as nothing here is simple – perhaps because we are all so beautifully unique, and no one-size-fits-all box exists.

What they do know is that the prefrontal cortex – the area responsible for decision-making, impulse control, emotional regulation, self-awareness, and empathy – doesn’t reach full maturity until our mid-20s.

But to make things easier to remember, most agree it’s around age 25.

So, if you’re reading this and you haven’t quite reached that age yet (you lucky soul), this may explain why you feel like you haven’t quite figured everything out.

And for those of us who have passed that milestone, don’t worry if you still feel the same. Other parts of the brain remain impressionable throughout life, allowing us to grow, adapt, and learn – at any age.

Identity, Change & the Myth of “Finding Ourselves”

“Life really does begin at 40 – up until then, you are just doing research” (Carl Jung)

According to science, neuroplasticity – the brain’s ability to adapt and rewire – continues throughout adult life. Good news for us. And it is, but it also comes with a catch.

You may have heard that we “find ourselves” by 30. I’ll be honest, this doesn’t always sit right with me (I’m past that, and I’m still figuring myself out). But I have to accept there’s some (strong emphasis on some here) truth in it – even if my ego protests otherwise.

Psychologists like Erik Erikson suggest that by the age of 18, we begin to form a clearer sense of identity and beliefs, helping us step into adulthood with more stability. Now, there’s a notable gap here between when psychologists say we’re mature (18) and when neuroscientists say we are (around 25).

But if we combine the two, it loosely shows that many of our beliefs, identities, and habits are deeply ingrained by age 30.

Yet here’s the good news: while they may feel stuck and sit deep within us, they are not beyond change. It’s the difference between being stuck in concrete versus being planted in soil.

Concrete is hard, solid, and extremely difficult to crack – it requires a sledgehammer to get through it. Soil, on the other hand, allows us to grow, shift, and adapt. It just needs a little care and re-planting.

I’ll save a deeper dive into this idea for another day (because it deserves its own space), but I wanted to plant the seed here for now (mind the pun).

Because when we understand that earlier experiences shape us – but don’t have to define us forever – the way we view our fears begins to shift.

So, to all my fellow over-30s: growing older is hard enough. Let’s not make it harder by assuming our personalities, beliefs, and habits are beyond our restructure.

They are not.

So What About Perfectionism?

Connecting the perfect dots

Good question, and I’m glad you asked – because I can get carried away at times. But there is method in my detour here.

Knowing why we are dealing with a fear – or more specifically, the beliefs that sits behind it – can help ease its intensity a little. Or, more specifically, it can ease the blame and frustration that often come along for the ride.

Perfectionism, in my experience at least, often carries a deep sense of irritation and self-judgement at its core. It’s an incredibly human and natural experience to let our reactions take over, especially when we’re feeling overwhelmed or striving to “get it right.”

But when we understand why we have this pattern or belief, and where it may have originated, it can help to soften that self-blame and frustration.

Which leads me to…

Where Perfectionism Comes From

How childhood beliefs become adult patterns

Back in childhood, we are often on the lookout for confirmation of what is right and what is wrong. Our brains are like sponges, constantly evaluating and assessing how to make sense of the world. And to do this, we look to those around us – parents, caregivers, siblings, friends, and teachers.

Naturally, when we do things “right,” we are praised. Through this praise, we discover that doing something correctly brings positive attention – aptly named, positive reinforcement. This means we’re more likely to repeat it in the future. In most cases, this makes sense and is how we learn and grow.

However, because the brain is still developing and highly impressionable, praise and criticism don’t always land in a child’s mind the same way they would in an adult’s mind.

So, when we’re praised for the things we do and receive lots of attention for our successes, we can begin to associate achievement with praise. Over time, this can form the belief:

“I am loveable when I get things right.”
or
“People like me when I achieve success.”

Similarly, if mistakes are met with criticism, punishment, or disappointment, we can learn to associate getting things wrong with negativity, forming beliefs like:

“I am not worthy of praise if I make mistakes.”
or
“If I don’t get this right, I won’t be accepted.”

For some, it takes a lot of repeated reinforcement for these beliefs to truly stick. Yet for others – especially those of us who are sensitive, shy, or quiet – it doesn’t take much at all.

And eventually, we begin to associate perfection with safety.

Perfectionism as Protection

The Perfect Protection Strategy

As children – and as adults – we all want to feel connected and safe. And as we explored in the posts on rejection, this need was once essential to our physical survival.

(In case you missed it, I’ve linked to the post here 🌿 → Rejection: Why it cuts deep and what it teaches us.)

So, over time, we can begin to associate doing things perfectly, or to a high standard with feeling safe.

When we’re praised and receive positive attention, we naturally feel connected, accepted and secure within our place in the group. The more this is reinforced, the more we believe it to be true – and the more we begin to crave perfection.

So, if praise and acceptance come when we “get it right,” it can feel as though mistakes or getting things “wrong” might lead to disconnection or being on the outside of the group.

And for a child, the fear of “getting it wrong” can feel deeply unsafe. 

Inner Child, Outer Adult

How our younger self still shapes our reactions

That child part of us doesn’t simply vanish as we grow up. In fact, it tags along into adulthood, quietly carrying the beliefs and feelings it learned along the way.

Many refer to this part of us as our “inner child.” This means that even now, as adults, those same old fears of disconnection or not being good enough can still get triggered, reminding us why perfectionism can feel so powerful – and so hard to let go of.

More often than not, we’re not even aware that this inner child sits within us – or that it’s carrying quite a few fears that the modern, adult world continues to reinforce.

So perfectionism can quietly become a strategy for staying connected, accepted, and safe within our social groups and families. But it can go beyond this, too.

While our personal experiences in childhood lay the foundations for perfectionism, the culture we grow up in can reinforce it, brick by brick.

And there’s no better place to start exploring this than the next place we learn from as children.

Perfectionism in Education

The Classroom Seeds

For many of us, the seeds of perfectionism take root in the classroom.

From an early age, we are taken from the comfort of home and placed into schools filled with other children, adults, and a quiet (or not-so-quiet) pressure to perform. Schools and educational institutions certainly have their place. They can be spaces of social and educational growth, and for some children, even a place of safety when home is not.

That said, I can’t say I’ve met many people who look back on their school years with genuine happiness. At best, it’s often seen as a neutral experience – at worst, a literal nightmare. My experience sits closer to the latter. And as we shy, quiet, and introverted souls know – school isn’t exactly where we tend to flourish.

Maybe this journey is intended to prepare us for the challenges of adulthood. But it’s safe to say that for some, school can be a tricky place to be.

As cultural pressure on perfection increases, so too does the expectation on children to succeed. Without grades, we’re told, our futures will be unclear. This pressure can come from parents, teachers, peers, and even ourselves, layering quietly as the years pass. The closer we get to final exams, the heavier it can feel, and unsurprisingly, many young people find their mental health suffering under the weight.

School is often the first place where we experience being evaluated, compared, and graded. It can teach us, often unintentionally, that doing well equals praise and acceptance, while mistakes bring disappointment or shame.

For sensitive, shy, or conscientious children, this environment can quietly cement the belief:

“I need to get it right to be okay!”

Striving for perfection can become a way to feel safe, loved, and accepted in a system that often values grades over growth.

Because in some ways, it’s a system that hinges years of study on a handful of exams and asks teenagers to choose a career path – maybe not in its entirety, but loosely – when their minds still have many years of construction left to do. It’s immense pressure, and I truly feel our young humans are simply not ready for it.

And while hard work and learning are valuable, when success becomes tied to our sense of worth – when it is tied to minutes in an exam hall rather than the years spent learning – perfectionism can take root.

And then it begins to blossom beyond that, as we take our first steps into the workplace.

Perfectionism in the Workplace

It’s all long hours, overachievement & chasing the never ending dream

We leave the educational environment and we’ve finally made it. We’ve spent years preparing for this moment – hours of study, and metaphorical blood, sweat, and tears.

Only to sometimes find that many workplaces reward long hours, overachievement, and striving for “perfect,” often without considering the quiet cost to our well-being.

On the surface, this can look like commitment and dedication – and sometimes, it truly is. But underneath, it can also reflect a culture that values output over health, and performance over people.

Sometimes, it’s not even our workplaces demanding perfection – it’s coming from us. We may carry an internal belief that to be good enough, we must give more, do more, and get it exactly right every time. We fear that slowing down or setting boundaries might make us look like we’re not committed enough.

This pressure and expectation places a heavy emphasis on success in the external world. And while there is nothing wrong with striving to achieve our goals, living in a culture that equates success with worth can quietly become a difficult place to be.

And then there’s…

The Social Media Ideal

Curated perfection

Social media often glorifies “perfection” and expects us to do it flawlessly – because apparently, there’s no other way to be human!

To its credit (or not), it has certainly helped us strive for this – at least on the surface.

There’s a reason I avoided it – and even developed a literal fear of it- for so long, partly because of this exact pressure. Having perfectionistic tendencies myself, it all felt too much, like a world I simply couldn’t be a part of. I couldn’t keep up.

Social media allows for filtered images, curated successes, and snapshots of lives that look “perfect.” But honestly, they never are. And I do mean never, because life never is. Yet this constant influx of edited perfection has quietly – and forcibly – shaped what we consider “normal.”

The new normal has become so far removed from the actual human experience that it’s sometimes hard to know what’s real anymore.

If you can sense the sadness (and perhaps a hint of nihilism) in my words here, you’re right. It’s something I feel strongly about. Because it’s not just social media driving this. The surface-level perfection it thrives on has seeped into all areas of Western culture – or vice versa. It’s hard to tell, and honestly, it feels like a chicken-and-egg situation.

Perfectionism and the Need for Control

Our natural defence

Perfectionism ultimately boils down to our need to feel safe. And through that need, we develop ways to manage it.

Which actually makes perfect sense. Our minds are wired to protect us, and having everything appear perfect can feel like an effective strategy to achieve that – at least in the short term.

However, in the long term, it can become a bit of a vicious cycle. We know life is far from perfect, yet the more we strive for it to be that way, the more distanced we become from that reality. And since we can never quite fully get there, we can often spend a lot of time and energy trying.

But knowing what sits underneath this need is a great step in understanding it and, more importantly, in moving through it.

Control & Acceptance

The paradox of letting go

We use perfectionism to try to control ourselves, situations, and even those around us. If everything is “perfect,” then we feel in control.

Often, underlying this is a quiet anxiety about what could go wrong. Perfectionism can feel like a way to prevent mistakes or cover all bases so nothing bad can happen, giving us a temporary sense of safety in a world that feels unpredictable.

Underneath our need to control, there is often a fear of criticism or disappointment from others. So we use perfectionism as a shield, hoping that if we get everything right, we will avoid judgement and feel safe within our relationships and communities.

But even if everything was as close to perfect as possible, we cannot control the thoughts, views, and beliefs of others. People may still criticise and judge us despite our efforts to avoid it. So, in turn, we hand control over to them.

What begins as a coping mechanism aimed at keeping us safe can end up creating the very thing we were trying to avoid. Because when perfection inevitably falls short, we lose that sense of control.

And when we lose control, we feel unsafe. But in truth, we were never fully in control – perfectionism was.

In the end, perfectionism creates a false sense of safety, keeping our self-worth tied to things we can’t fully control, like the opinions of others or the unpredictable nature of life itself.

And when our worth is tied to things outside of us, it leaves us feeling unanchored.

Now, if you’re feeling a little lost, confused, or unsure of what to do with all this information, please know I’ve been there too. I see you, and I hear you. All I ask, is for you to please stay with me and know that all is not lost.

Because there is…

Light at the End of The Tunnel

Every cloud, as they say

Perfectionism can feel heavy, but it’s important to remember that it is not a personal flaw. It’s a strategy we’ve learned – a way we’ve tried to keep ourselves safe and valued in a world that often feels hard to keep up with.

And while it may have served a purpose at one time, it doesn’t have to be the only way we live going forward.

The beauty in all of this is that we can learn new ways to feel safe – ways that don’t require us to strive endlessly to be “perfect.”

Because as much as we may want it, life will never be perfect. Nor would we want it to be, because it’s often in the messiness that we grow the most.

But life can be meaningful, connected, and beautifully imperfect.

Just as we are too – deeply human, and perfectly imperfect. And in accepting this, we offer ourselves the compassion to make mistakes, learn from them, and find a sense of calm even when the world around us feels chaotic.

Seeing the Bright Side

The positive take

I know I’ve shared a fair few challenges about social media, education, and modern culture in this post, and it might sound like I’m painting a rather grumpy picture. But I want to reassure you – it’s not all bad. Life is always about balance.

Social media can connect us in beautiful ways, education can open doors and work can offer purpose and community. And the more we understand what drives our perfectionism – or any fear we carry – the more we can navigate these spaces with awareness, using them for us, rather than letting them use us.

In fact, with a little insight into what sits beneath it, we can begin to flourish in this imperfect world. We can resist the pull to be “perfect” by choosing to show up as we are, gently and with intention.

And you never know – if each of us does this, slowly and subtly, we may plant the seeds in others to do the same and drive real change. And if we don’t, because others aren’t ready or willing to change, then at least we’re living a life true to who we are, not who we’re told we should be.

So, if you recognise yourself in these words, please know you are not alone. Many shy, sensitive souls share this struggle, and there is hope for finding a calmer, freer way forward. And for those who aren’t shy or sensitive but find themselves in the same cycle, the same hope applies to you too.

Until Next Time…

So, we can now see that perfectionism often forms from a deep desire to feel safe and accepted. And while it can be a useful defence mechanism, it can end up holding us hostage instead. But there is hope.

However, this is where Part One ends, as I feel we both need a pause to take this all in.

Next time, we’ll look at ways we can manage, work with, and calmly settle perfectionism down. So it no longer holds us back but instead helps us move forward. We can keep some of the positives it brings, while letting go of the drain and high expectations it often leaves in its wake.

Until then, be kind to yourself. Take a deep breath. And remember:

You are enough, exactly as you are, in this moment. Perfectly imperfect.

And while I get busy trying my hardest to write Part Two without re-checking it a hundred times (🌿 → How to Manage Perfectionism), I’ll leave you with a question:

Where in your life do you notice perfectionism showing up most strongly, and what might it be trying to protect you from?

I’ll see you soon,

Charlotte 🪷

Before You Go

Not ready for that? You can explore how coaching works here 🌿→ Coaching Page

FAQ: Why Perfectionism Develops

I’ll be honest, this next little section is partly here for SEO purposes (so souls searching for “why perfectionism develops” can actually find this post on Google). It’s one of those practical bits of blog admin that my perfectionism hates.

But since you’re already here, this might also serve as the perfect little recap of everything we’ve explored today.

You’ve made it to the end – beautifully done 🫶

Gentle Note: This post is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. For more information please click here 🌿→ Disclaimer Page.