A Tree and An Overthinking Me
Hello you! Here’s me sat on a tree (you know, as I’m sure most people do), in an idyllic spot in the Welsh countryside. Picture perfect, right? Absolutely. Well, the view, not me. I feel that needs to be said because my ego doesn’t need the boost.
Looking at this photo, it would be fairly safe to assume I was completely absorbed by the sheer beauty of it all. Living in the moment, taking in the view, being the zen, tree-loving soul I clearly am.
Yeah, not quite.
Because on this particular occasion, my mind was actually firmly on the poor person holding the camera behind me, who I’d rather reluctantly instructed to get a good shot. Thank you, Mother, as ever for your unpaid dedication to my business.
So, in the interests of honesty and to keep my integrity happy, I wasn’t sitting there replaying a conversation I’d had three hours earlier. Oh no, I was mostly wondering whether I looked ridiculous from this angle and slightly worried we’d climbed a fence to get it.
But as they say, don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story. Because this picture does a great job of capturing my usual sitting with the trees habit. So, I’m sticking with it.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, getting to the point.
Replaying Conversations in My Head
I replay conversations in my head, a lot. There I said it.
Feels quite liberating to type that, because it’s not something I share with other people. Ironically, because I’d give that conversation a good old replay too.
It’s quite the rabbit hole of rumination, as there’s plenty to go on. Sometimes I think about what the person said, what I said, didn’t say, should have said, the way I said it. I mean I could go on, as the list of possible angles is endless.
Also, I’m a modern gal, I send the occasional stream of WhatsApp messages, emails and the very occasional Instagram comment like the rest. Which provides my mind with plenty of additional material to work with.
Arguably even more, because those are the words we can literally re-read right in front of our very eyes, often without the tone, facial expressions or body language that comes with meeting a human face-to-face. Oh, online world, how I love you so.
And if you’re still reading this, chances are you do this too. If so, welcome to the club and if you’re anything like me you may have spent a lot of time fighting with this inner dialogue. Maybe even judged yourself for it or tried to ignore it.
If so, well, I’m here to tell you and also remind myself, it’s okay. Because this habit of ours is deeply human.
What Am I Looking For When I Replay a Conversation?
We’re social creatures and we want to belong. I’ll spare you the deeper dive into why that is, frankly, now is not the time. But if you’re curious, I go into the weeds on it here (you’re welcome) – Why Rejection Hurts | Brain, Biology & Self-Worth
But the point for today is our brains pay attention to other people around us. Which in itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Reflecting on things can actually be useful and I’m all for a bit of self-reflection. I practically live for it, so count me in.
But being shy and a little sensitive can add another layer to this. Because shyness itself often comes with a heightened awareness of how we interact with other people and, particularly, how we might be perceived by them.
Which means some of us may be partial to a bit more thinking about our daily chats afterwards. But the tricky thing about communication is we don’t get a direct channel into our fellow humans’ inner thoughts.
Half of me wishes we could but the other half is secretly pleased mind reading isn’t a thing, because I’m not sure I’d be happy with other people hearing my inner rambles. It wouldn’t be good for anybody.
So, while we do have some much-needed inner privacy, the payoff is we can often walk away from interactions with very little concrete information to settle it.
Instead, life serves us some uncertainty to play with. I don’t know about you, but my brain reacts to this like my three-year-old niece does when she’s told she can’t have chocolate for breakfast. We’re both unhappy bunnies.
What helps my niece is a little distraction. For her, it’s Paw Patrol videos (oh, the torture). My brain, on the other hand, prefers a bit of Sherlock Holmes because off it goes looking for clues.
Before we know it, we’re replaying the conversation in an attempt to fill in the gaps, find answers and work this whole flipping thing out.
Problem being, those answers aren’t always there. I can try and justify why I’m replaying that conversation I had with my ex three years ago at 4am because I hadn’t quite thought of this angle before. But in reality, I’ll never know what his thoughts were. I truly need the sleep and, at a certain point, Charlotte, just let it go.
Yeah, it’s that simple 🤦♀️
What Am I Looking For Here?
Jokes aside, I’m slowly learning to approach these replays a little differently. Not by trying to stop them, as telling my brain not to do something all too often leads to an internal argument. But by asking myself:
What am I looking for here?
Usually, the answer falls into one of two camps. Either I’m looking for something I can work on or I’m trying to predict what that person thought of me.
Or to pop the coach hat on and sound professional about it:
Am I reflecting on something I can learn from, or am I searching for certainty?
If it’s the first, well, it’s time to dig the journal out because it’s party time. I have some self-reflection to do. Maybe I did say something I didn’t quite mean, spoke a little too quickly or didn’t quite phrase it right. It may sting a little to admit this at first, but I can work with it and learn from it.
After all, who’s perfect? So, I’ll add a dash of self-compassion and forgiveness in there too. Because I can acknowledge something I’d like to do differently without giving myself such a hard time for doing it in the first place.
But all too often, I realise I’m actually searching for something that I’ll never truly find. Which is that person’s inner thoughts. Maybe I was wrong earlier, perhaps telepathy is a good thing?
But yeah, while we get to work on that, we’ll have to find another way.
What If I Don’t Need an Answer?
Now, this may sound a bit rogue but hear me out. Maybe the answer is actually learning to sit with the fact that I don’t have an answer.
Because while I can make predictions, analyse or re-read their words, their tone, the look on their face or the emoji they chose to use, ultimately, I’m still guessing.
So, when I catch myself doing this, I’m trying something different. Which means I do need to pop the old coach hat on again, so here goes:
What would it be like to let this question remain unanswered?
What am I worried their opinion might confirm about me?
Bit deep, I know, but things do tend to get a little more interesting when we root around. Because underneath my need to know what somebody thought of me is sometimes another worry.
I’m starting to realise it isn’t really their opinion I’m bothered about. It’s what I might make their opinion mean about me.
If I’m worried they thought I was awkward, perhaps there’s a part of me that worries I am awkward. It could be that I am wondering whether they found me boring, because I’m not sure if I’m interesting enough. Or maybe I’m thinking about whether they liked me, as there’s a question underneath it all that says: am I likeable?
Am I Reflecting or Overthinking the Conversation?
Now, I feel I need to say, not every conversation replay needs this level of excavation. I mean, we have lives. Sometimes we genuinely have noticed somebody being a little off or distant with us, so it’s only natural to wonder and think things through. Maybe this is more about them than it is about us.
So perhaps the distinction that helps is:
Am I thinking this through, or am I trying to think my way into certainty?
Because there comes a point where another replay isn’t giving me any new information. I’m asking the same question, just with different words, hoping that this time my brain will finally produce an answer.
If I notice I’ve reached that point, my mind needs a rest. So, I acknowledge that I simply don’t know. Which, I’ll grant you, is tricky at first.
One thing I’ve learnt is that uncertainty is part of interacting with other people. We can ask questions when something matters, clarify things when we need to and take responsibility for the things that are ours. But we can’t ever have complete access to somebody else’s thoughts and, frankly, can you imagine if we did?
So maybe the answer isn’t getting better at working people out. Maybe it’s getting a little more comfortable with not knowing.
Coming Back to What I Do Know
I like to get a little self-indulgent and bring this all back to me. Because the world revolves around me after all. I’ll ask myself what I do know and bring this all back to my values and how I want to be.
Did I act in a way that felt true to me? Was I kind? Was I honest? Is there anything I genuinely want to do differently next time?
I can work with that.
But if there isn’t, well, I’m learning to trust myself enough to leave the rest with them. Now, I’m no master at this. There will almost certainly be another moment in the next day or so where I’ll be back in the thinking zone. But that’s okay.
Because I’m slowly realising that I don’t need to know exactly what everybody thinks of me in order to trust who I am.
Who knows, perhaps with a little practice, the next time I’m sitting on a tree in an idyllic spot in the Welsh countryside, I might actually look at the view.
I’ll see you soon,
Charlotte 🌻
Before You Go
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FAQs:
A few questions to summarise:
Yes, replaying conversations in your head can be a normal part of reflecting on social interactions. We might think back over what was said, how we responded or how the other person seemed to react. It can become less helpful when we find ourselves going over the same conversation repeatedly without learning anything new from it.
Sometimes we overthink conversations because we’re trying to understand what happened or work out how somebody else perceived us. If there was uncertainty in the interaction, we may find ourselves looking back for clues or reassurance. It can help to notice whether you’re reflecting on something you can learn from or trying to find certainty about something you simply can’t know.
Rather than trying to force yourself to stop replaying a conversation, try asking what you’re looking for from the replay. If there’s something useful to learn, you can reflect on it and decide what you might do differently next time. If you’re trying to work out exactly what somebody else thought of you, it may be more helpful to practise allowing that question to remain unanswered and bring your attention back to what you do know.
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